Saturday, 19 March 2016

The Loneliness of Grief

I was just a few days before my 25th birthday when my Mum passed away. 

Nobody told me how terrifying losing someone can be. I was 19 when I first said goodbye to someone I loved very much. It was my grandmother. I saw the ECG heart monitor read 92 to 52 to 0 in the hospital. I was overcome with shock and sorrow and I felt it hard to breathe properly. 

When my Mum was alive, I kept replaying the scene in my head to prepare myself mentally of what might happen in the end. Each night as I fall asleep, these fears would creep into my head. It was a nightmare that would never end.

Finally, it did. Or did that actually start? 

Mum passed away in the hospital after she was admitted in for a week. 72 hours before her death she was still doing fine. We even celebrated the three of our birthdays in advance.

“Sing the birthday song,” Mum said in her weak voice as she clasped her hands to sing it. 

“Ha-ppy Birth-day to you…” She continued gently and conjured a smile on her face. We took our last family photo together, forever immortalised. 

I wish people would ask me about my Mum or me. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt - It’s difficult and maybe people don’t know what to say when I tell them. Of course it would make me sad, but I rather people acknowledge my loss rather than sweep it under the rug. Ask me about my Mum, ask me about how I am, ask me about what I miss most about her. 

Losing a Mum at 24 is different from losing a parent when you’re 50. Losing a Mum because of cancer is different from losing a parent because of old age. There are so many unanswered questions, so many fears. I think about my own mortality, I think about how my Mum will never be able to be with me in the future - like if I get married or if I have kids. My Mum was my emotional rock. There’s nothing like a “Mum is always on your side, okay?” to make my day better. 

People often tell me time will heal all hurt. What if it doesn’t? What if I have to carry this grief to my grave? At 4 months, time passes too fast, yet also slowly. I wish there was a way to fast forward time and go to a place free from the hurt and pain. 

But I know I have to go through the mourning process if I want to heal. 

Weeping may tarry for the night but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

1 comment:

  1. Clara its so sad to hear of you loss :(
    Sad I haven't really kept in touch. Hope things are okay and God grants you blessed memories and moments each day.

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